I almost didn’t write this. I knew that writing about this topic would mean confronting the demons I have been hiding in my closet for a long time. I knew that writing about this topic would mean that I would need to start correcting my ways of working and the way I project my confidence. This topic would be sealing the truth for me.

Instead of focusing on the traits that my parents showed for years or what affected me, I will highlight all the actions and habits that I made subconsciously throughout my 13 years of professional experience. Feel free to reverse engineer and tie it with all the typical narcissists toxic parents behavior you can find on the Internet because it’s hard to talk about it openly.

Early Patterns That Showed Up at Work

I have always struggled with impatience. I often jump to the next exciting thing before completing the current one. Strangely, the efforts that I put into my work always made me the center of attention or gave me the limelight that I deserved. However, internally I felt very uncomfortable with the attention. I constantly struggled between working quietly versus going above and beyond to get promoted quickly. I was scared to stop the momentum I was building, fearing that the company leaders would no more remember me and I may fall behind my peers.

The two time I had a colleague reporting to me, I did not do a great job at all! Folks like me who have toxic parents cannot become great leaders until and unless they work through all the unresolved trauma and baggage that they carry everyday. I constantly lost the battle to control my emotions, gave in to my anger and frustration if a team member could not deliver according to my expectations.

Moments That Made Me Reflect

I was unable to trust my peers or even my leaders when it came to sharing something. I tried to keep a tight control over projects which I was leading which ultimately led to burnout and exhaustion. I remember a recent conversation I had with my manager’s manager regarding my performance rating. She decided to reduce my rating by 3 points due to this one single feedback “Instead of providing solutions to a problem or trying to be a problem solver, you pinpoint and focus on faults and asks more questions.”. This was a setback for me in many ways. My brain instantly labelled me as a victim and I carried this negative pinch for months to follow. Instead of improving on this, I cancelled all my 1x1s with her, concluded that she is not my well wisher, and she just wants me to find another job.

Another incident which I remember is from a couple of years back. I was leading yet another project and there was an IT manager with whom I had to work on the project. The IT manager tried to communicate and make certain decisions which obviously did not sit well with me. This activity became so aggravated in my mind due to lack of confidence, insecurity that I escalated this issue to his manager. My fear of confrontation (another unpleasing attribute) stopped me from speaking with him directly on the matter. I could have also tried to see it as a helping hand to reduce burden from my plate.

As I look back in my career, there is a bitter taste in my mouth. I could have done so many things differently. But how does one take the right path when all her/his life they have been conditioned to toxic traits from their family members or have been witnessing all the wrong behaviors which served as a model for their future behaviors? How does one untangle from it, unlearn it and move forward with a new start? Is it possible?

Here’s to hoping that things change for the better in future. Lookout for another blog on how I tackle and unlearn years of negative traits.

Healing may be slow, but every insight that I gain gives me a chance to choose differently next time.

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